RECOVERY ROOM
© Cary E. Cook 1999
| CAST: | HAROLD: male, age 21 VOICE: off stage, male or female, age 20 - 60 COUNSELOR: male, age 20 - 50 |
| SET: | a small room with a bed center stage, a chair beside it, a mirror on a wall |
[HAROLD is in bed. He wakes up, sits up. He is dressed in white pajamas.]
HAROLD
What the hell is this? Hello. [Goes to door. Bangs on it.]
Hello! Hey! Is anybody there?
VOICE [on intercom]
Hello, hello. Yes we are here.
How are you feeling, Mr. Isenberg?
HAROLD
Isendorf.
VOICE [on intercom]
Oh. Sorry. Harold Rupert Isendorf. Correct?
HAROLD
Yes. Where am I?
VOICE [on intercom]
Don't worry. You are in no danger. There is nothing to fear. A counselor will be with you shortly.
HAROLD
Counselor? Where are my clothes? Hello. Hello!
[Looks at his hands as though there were something strange about them.]
My arthritis is gone. [Feels his face & head.] My God, I've got hair!
[Goes to mirror on wall & looks in it.]
Oh wow!
[Enter COUNSELOR]
COUNSELOR
Mr. Isendorf?
HAROLD
Yes.
COUNSELOR
I see you've found the mirror.
HAROLD
Yeah. I look twenty years old!
COUNSELOR
Twenty-one. Are you feeling well?
HAROLD
Great! I'm thirty pounds lighter. My whole body is like I was in college. What the hell's going on?
COUNSELOR
The easiest way to explain it is to say that you are dead. Not in the absolute sense, of course, but your life as Harold Isendorf is now over. You died of a heart attack at sixty-two. Sorry for the bluntness, but our records indicate that you're not much for hand holding. I can back it down a notch if you like. [pause]
Attaboy. Your youth has been restored as a compensation for what might otherwise be considered bad news. Now I know you have questions, and I'm here to answer them, but there's no rush. Many people request an adjustment period at this point. Would you like me to come back later? [pause]
I understand. Just call when you're ready. [starts to exit]
HAROLD
Wait. Where am I?
COUNSELOR
You're in a recovery room. The location is irrelevant, except to say that it's not Earth.
HAROLD
Who are you?
COUNSELOR
I'm your recovery counselor. You may call me Bill. Do you feel up to answering a few questions? … for our records.
HAROLD
I don't know. Try me.
COUNSELOR
Okay, have a seat. This will only take a few minutes,
if you simply answer the questions.
HAROLD
How long does this body last?
COUNSELOR
As long as you need it, don't worry. First, let me say that it is in your best interest to answer my questions honestly, without reservation, and without regard to consequences.
HAROLD
What consequences?
COUNSELOR
That's part of what it's not in your best interest to be concerned about.
HAROLD
Why not?
COUNSELOR
Yeah. I can see this is going to take some time. But that's okay. That's what I get paid for. Let me check something here. Oop! Lawyer. Why me? Okay. I am required by law to inform you that the best thing you can possibly do for yourself is to answer my questions honestly. Now, my first question is, do you believe what I just told you?
HAROLD
I'm not sure.
COUNSELOR
Fine. [taps keyboard] "Doesn't know." Next question: According to our records, you were an atheist for the final twenty-eight years of your life.
HAROLD
Give me that. [Grabs the clipboard]
COUNSELOR
Hey!
HAROLD
What language is this?
COUNSELOR
Verugi. Don't push any of those buttons.
HAROLD
What alphabet is this?
COUNSELOR
Jaibot. May I have my board back, please.
HAROLD
Not until I get some answers.
COUNSELOR
Okay. The first thing you should know is that everything you say and do in this room is being recorded. It will be used at your evaluation.
HAROLD
Evaluation?
COUNSELOR
Placement evaluation. A panel of professional evaluators will decide the form, conditions, and location of your future existence.
HAROLD
You talking about a trial?
COUNSELOR
Evaluation is the accepted term.
HAROLD
[Returns the clipboard]
Okay, I'm returning the board voluntarily.
COUNSELOR
Thank you.
HAROLD
Undamaged.
COUNSELOR
Yes. The record will show that.
HAROLD
But I'm not answering anything until I see an attorney.
COUNSELOR
Harold, you'll be assigned an advocate in plenty of time before evaluation.
HAROLD
I demand to see an attorney now!
COUNSELOR
Okay, then, first answer is changed from "doesn't know" to "No." You do not believe me.
HAROLD
You leave my answer as it is.
COUNSELOR
Harold, if you believed that it was in your best interest to answer my questions without reservation, you wouldn't be demanding an attorney. Now, do you demand to see an attorney or not?
HAROLD
[pause] Yes.
COUNSELOR
Fine. Would you like that attorney to be an atheist?
HAROLD
[pause] Uhh… I'm not sure. What are the implications of that?
COUNSELOR
It implies nothing more than that you prefer an atheist attorney.
HAROLD
Are the evaluators atheists?
COUNSELOR
If you wish. Do you want atheist evaluators?
HAROLD
[pause] Do I have the right to uhh… refrain from answering certain questions until I know more about what happens when you answer them certain ways?
COUNSELOR
You have the right to refrain from answering. You may shut up and stare at these walls as long as you like. But you do not have the right to be informed as to what answers get what results.
HAROLD
Oh. Okay. Well, aren't you supposed to read me my rights or something?
COUNSELOR
If you were illiterate, yes. It's a rather lengthy document. You have the right to see it in your own language, and to study it for as long as you like – in this room.
HAROLD
Fine. Let's do that.
COUNSELOR
Okay. [taps keyboard] "Demander of rights." I have no further questions at this time. Will that be all?
HAROLD
Wait a minute.
What are the implications of being a demander of rights?
COUNSELOR
Really Mr. Isendorf, that's a very involved question.
HAROLD
Well God damnit, man! … No, I mean… shit. No, uhh…
Gosh darn it!
COUNSELOR
Harold, you mean God damnit. You are welcome to say God damnit. We encourage you to say exactly what you mean.
We don't have poles up our asses here.
HAROLD
Okay, That's good. Thank you. That's valuable information.
Keep it coming. What else can you tell me?
COUNSELOR
Concerning what?
HAROLD
The uhh… big picture. What's actually going on?
COUNSELOR
Well, the best analogy is, this is sort of like a post office.
HAROLD
Post office.
COUNSELOR
Yes. Think of me as a postman, and you're a piece of mail. Now in order for me to get you to where you belong, I have to read your address. I don't need to understand the whole address, just the country is sufficient. Then I send you on to another post office where they decide what state you go to, and so on until you get to exactly where you belong.
HAROLD
Oh. Okay. Well how about if you just show me a catalog of places, and travel guides and…
COUNSELOR
Actually it's a lot more complicated than that, Harold.
There's body type, family compatibility…
HAROLD
Let's talk about body type.
Are we reincarnated, or is it some kind of eternal thing?
COUNSELOR
Your choice.
HAROLD
I can take my pick?
COUNSELOR
It's a package deal. We ask you some questions.
Your answers determine what package you get.
HAROLD
What about body quality? What determines the quality?
COUNSELOR
It's whatever your evaluators think you deserve.
HAROLD
Do some packages have higher living standards than others?
COUNSELOR
Definitely.
HAROLD
Which ones have which… ?
COUNSELOR
I can't answer that.
HAROLD
A few general statistics would help.
COUNSELOR
Harold, really! This is not going to get you anywhere.
Try to relax.
HAROLD
Relax. Well listen uhh … what was your name again?
COUNSELOR
Bill.
HAROLD
Bill. Well listen, Bill. I realize this is just another work day for you, but it's a rather unique experience for me,
and I'd like to proceed rather carefully if you don't mind. I have to admit, there's something that really concerns me here. If you remember, the very first question you asked me was about religion. Why is that so important?
COUNSELOR
All of my questions are important. Atheists usually don't expect to wake up after they die. When they do, sometimes they reconsider.
HAROLD
Sometimes?
COUNSELOR
You've never really thought it out, have you? Why should the existence of an afterlife imply the existence of any particular God? … Huh? … or a Supreme Being for that matter?
HAROLD
I don't know.
COUNSELOR
That's right; you don't.
HAROLD
Do you?
COUNSELOR
No.
HAROLD
You mean nobody knows?
COUNSELOR
I don't know if anybody knows or not.
Lots of people claim to know all kinds of things.
HAROLD
So there's no guy on a throne giving orders?
COUNSELOR
Hey, there's a lot of guys on a lot of thrones giving orders.
HAROLD
Who's in charge?
COUNSELOR
That's really not important at this point. First we need…
HAROLD
[interrupt] I demand to know who's in charge!
COUNSELOR
Harold, you don't have the right to make that demand.
HAROLD
I have the right to know what governmental authority I'm dealing with, do I not?
COUNSELOR
Only in terms you can understand from your present perspective.
HAROLD
Well then I demand that you explain it in terms I can understand from my present perspective.
COUNSELOR
Okay, there is a being who is more powerful than anybody else. Some people say that person is the Supreme Being by default. Others say the Supreme Being is above all that. Others say the universe is the Supreme Being. I don't know if any of them are right. I have an opinion, but I'm not allowed to tell you.
HAROLD
Do any of them claim to be Supreme Being?
COUNSELOR
That's hard to say?
HAROLD
You don't even know that?
COUNSELOR
We have spin doctors here too.
HAROLD
What? You mean there's nothing but opinions?
COUNSELOR
No. There's definite true and false on this issue.
I just don't claim to know it.
HAROLD
What religion are you?
COUNSELOR
I'm not allowed to answer that. Undue influence.
HAROLD
No. Of course not. Okay, what about this heaven versus hell issue? Surely you can't expect intelligent people to take that seriously.
COUNSELOR
Well, some intelligent people actually do, but just between you and me, that's very simplistic. There are many different levels of wealth and poverty – different cultures – lots of variables within the categories. I wouldn't even know where to draw the line between them.
HAROLD
Ah. So you don't have any particular place where lawyers go?
COUNSELOR
No, no, we do not stereotype people here.
You'll be judged as an individual on your own merit.
HAROLD
By whose rules?
COUNSELOR
Your own, as much as possible. We'll try to match your panel of judges – Ach! You got me doing it. – evaluators. We try to match your evaluators to your own ethical standards.
HAROLD
So what if I were a murdering rapist scum-bag?
Would I be tried by other scum-bags?
COUNSELOR
If that's what you ask for.
HAROLD
Then what? Where would I go from there?
COUNSELOR
Someplace in scum-bag land. But that's not your concern because you're not a scum-bag, right? Really there's no reason to worry about anything at this point. The evaluators are very competent. Just answer the questions honestly, and you'll get exactly what you deserve.
I'll have your bill of rights sent in.
HAROLD
Uh, wait a minute. Just a few more questions.
What if I don't want exactly what I deserve?
COUNSELOR
Oh. I see. Would you prefer to live in an unjust universe?
HAROLD
Well to be honest with you, I wasn't really counting on living anywhere. Don't get me wrong. I'd love to stop in and say hi to uncle Al, tip a few beers, but uh… really one or two ball games would about do it for me.
COUNSELOR
What are you saying, Harold?
HAROLD
What if I prefer to just not live at all?
Like total termination of existence?
COUNSELOR
You have that right, but only after all debts are fully paid.
Let me check your balance sheet. [pause] Mmmm.
HAROLD
Mmmm?! What does "Mmmm" mean?
COUNSELOR
You're definitely in the red.
HAROLD
Like, how would that translate out into…
COUNSELOR
I'm not allowed to offer any estimates or advice in these matters. Your advocate will handle that.
HAROLD
So get me an advocate.
COUNSELOR
You haven't yet told me what kind of advocate you want.
HAROLD
Really first rate.
COUNSELOR
Of course. Theist or atheist?
HAROLD
Uhh… Just hold it a minute, okay. What if I were to say that, uhh… I'm not really an atheist? What if I converted right before I died?
COUNSELOR
That's not true. Our records are quite reliable.
HAROLD
Okay, well what if I convert right now?
COUNSELOR
No one can stop you. Convert to what?
HAROLD
Well, I've heard that if I accept Jesus as my personal savior, I won't get charged for uhh… "sins" as they call it.
COUNSELOR
I'm not allowed to comment on that.
HAROLD
Right. Okay, chief. It's hallelujah time. I'm a Christian –
born againer, right here and now.
COUNSELOR
Mr. Isendorf, I strongly advise honesty.
That much I'm allowed to do.
HAROLD
Fine. I'm advised. Now, you mark on my chart that I'm a Christian, and send me a Christian attorney.
COUNSELOR
Why specifically Christian? If you're going to arbitrarily pick a religion, you could at least be fair about it.
HAROLD
Hey. Like I care about fair?
I'm looking for the best deal I can get. Is that a problem?
COUNSELOR
As you wish. [taps keyboard] Any particular denomination?
HAROLD
Whichever one has the highest living standard.
[COUNSELOR indicates that he can't divulge that information]
Okay, Episcopalian. They seem to do allright.
COUNSELOR
Episcopalian. Okay. Will that be all?
HAROLD
Yeah. You did a fine job, uh…
COUNSELOR
Bill.
HAROLD
Bill. Thank you; I'll give you a good reference.
[COUNSELOR starts to exit.]
HAROLD
Hey, counselor. I played it right, didn't I?
I'm going to heaven, right? Admit it.
COUNSELOR
Mr. Isendorf, You are going to be represented by an Episcopalian advocate in front of a panel of Episcopalian evaluators. After that, you're going to spend a very long time in a place governed by Episcopalians. If you want to call that heaven, praise the Lord, bro; you made it.
[Exit COUNSELOR.]
[HAROLD thinks, sits on the bed, puts his hand to his head.]
HAROLD
[mutters] Jesus Christ.
End